(the sick kiddo at the Dr's office)
For instance if I had thought the baby I was watching was sick in a way that warranted a doctor's visit I would proclaim so confidently; but as a mom, I decide to call the pediatrician and immediately have second thoughts. Is he really sick enough to warrant this? Am I just some sort of crazy over-worried mom? Actually at this moment he doesn't seem nearly as sick as he did 2 minutes ago. Should I? Should I? So, I do and then all the same doubts return on the way to the doctor's office. Of course, now he is smiling and cooing in the car seat, happy as a clam, forehead cool (no sign of that previous 100.8 fever). I am now convinced that everyone who works at the pediatrician's office will think I am a neurotic alarmist. I almost start praying he will look more sick, like he did 2 hours ago! Oh well, too late to back out now-- here we go!
What is this weird insecurity? Where does it come from? It has not been proved to be a reasonable insecurity. My pediatrician is awesome and would never make me feel stupid for my concerns, not to mention that last time I felt this way it turned out to be an ear infection, and guess what? Turns out the kid actually was legitimately visit-the-doctor-sick this time too -- an infection in both ears! Why do I doubt my judgement more as a mom than I ever did as a babysitter/nanny/ etc.? This fear of being seen as "that mom" is ridiculous. . . I mean even if people did judge me like that honestly, what does it matter? Who cares?
Maybe it is because being a mom is more of an identity thing than any other job I could ever imagine and I so want to be good at it. The truth is I will make mistakes-- heck I accidentally hit my kid in the head with the washer door this morning! But overall I need to learn to trust that I do have some idea what I am doing. The kid is happy, reasonably healthy, bright, sweet and a dear little love. We are almost coming to his first birthday (which we all know is really about celebrating that we kept him alive for a whole year). Time to start trusting those mom-instincts.
Today started with a fever, snotty nose and crying. It has ended with a kid asleep, a bath for mommy, a plastic kids cup full of Baileys on ice (bath safety is key) and a good book-- it feels almost like old times, minus the baby monitor next to the tub and an extra achy back from holding the sick kiddo all day. We're about to start trying for #2 and for a moment I don't feel like it is pure folly. We are far from perfect, but there is God's grace, mom-instincts and book-reading baths. We'll be okay.
